Yep- time’s running out quite fast, regarding the last few days. I said before, that this is quite unusual for times like those we’re in right now, except you’re in love or anything similar. Well, be a better guy, don’t punish yourself, just keep progressing, and so on… During the last years, I kept becoming a better person. I managed to become more emphatic than before, as well as listening inside – of myself. Recently I tried to figure out who I really was or still am. Result for today: Well, I still know SHIT about me, life, or other people. I improved, but it is still a drop in the ocean. 

Summer was heavy. A huge load on improvements regarding my self-esteem. I definitively needed that. And I am glad that my focus moved a little. Being a better person is honorable, but if you’re being it only for others, you’ll end up giving up yourself. I’m not talking about the other side of summer, because it simply won’t fit in.

Status Quo? This year I twice had the feeling, that I met someone really special. Foolish me, I did not question that back then. In fact, I met many special people, they all were, but honestly I must say, that being special only is simply not enough. That was another lesson I learned. As a result, I stopped hitting on those “special people” too fast. I did not want to give anything up. Anything of “the great new life” of myself. (Why there is no “awesome” in there? Because it simply ain’t. I was more awesome before I tried to be. I was more myself. The big bird that you can fly on, gives you a hell of a ride – until you realize it is not real. Unfortunately, this happens in rarest cases at the end of the ride, but mostly in the middle. Wish you a happy landing.) But what I did give up was being myself. Sure i did. I was more into that whole “new me” thing, that I put it over my very needs. My real goals. So damn pathetic. Okay. I had secondary goals, that were looking even closer to achieve for me, but when there’s a chance for the primaries – GO FOR THEM. Only an idiot would hesitate. Primary goals win the trick. Now it was thrice. (Thrice a year – don’t know if that’s good, I know people with a higher frequency.) And lucky me failed to set the records straight. Next time I’ll make it better, but I failed anyway. Coming to conclusion doesn’t make the feeling of being a complete FAIL go away. Though I know I’m not. Actually, I don’t even know why I could not at least make a try. I talked at me, that I was not ready. That I want to take chances of my new life. That person would be too special to play games on. Damn, was that really me? Telling me, not to play games? Fuck those damn games. I know when to stop. This is no reason for NOT doing what you feel, stupid fool! Unbelievable. Well failing at something is no big deal, regardless how big the fail was, as long as you don’t fail that way again – or at least not this hard. When you, however, improved your ability to take care of yourself, no matter how, and fail even harder than you did before improving, something must have gone terribly wrong. 

So. What’s the deal?  Telling a best friend, not being able to meet again, because I’m already standing with on foot in the grave?  Nice. That’s a win – NOT. Unfortunately this person is you. Well I’m not lost. just realizing, that a cared a bit too much yesterday about that… thing… and stuff, y’know. I’ll get that fixed. But I need my time for that.

Another thing. If EVER anything will go like this again, it will ALWAYS end up “all or nothing”. So, never take “nothing” again. Go for the pot. No bets, NEVER fold. And then? Aaahh, probably going to an other best friend. Need a talk. And a beer, maybe.

Love, Kay

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